This was a strange holiday season for me. Going into it, I had no plans. I spent last Christmas with my best friend, Erin, and her family. (I was supposed to spend last New Year’s with them too, but I fell asleep on my couch after work…lol)
This year, I spent the weekend moving, worked for two days, and then began unpacking and settling in to my new place.
Christmas Eve was strange…all of my friends were with their families…and I was alone. I was a little fazed by unanswered text messages and holiday photos on Instagram. I unpacked and cleaned. I made some food, drank my Christmas wines, and started watching Gone with the Wind. But then it hit me.
I was alone for Christmas.
I started crying and couldn’t stop. I didn’t have plans. No one in my family wanted to see me. My friends were all gone. Was I really going to spend more holiday time alone? How could I change this? I did something I probably wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t a bottle of wine in and very emotional…
I texted my mom.
Most people don’t know, but my mom and I are estranged. I haven’t seen her since February 2013. There is a very delicate reason behind this that only a few know about…but not having her in my life has been very hard. We were so very close before the Big Awful Terrible Thing. I am stronger because of it; I know that. I haven’t been able to rely on her. I’ve been standing on my own and I have done some pretty great things. I began to assume that I just didn’t need her in my life. We did begin to make amends these past few months. I am still working really hard to forgive her, but mostly, to forget.
She was happy to hear from me and immediately invited me to her apartment for Christmas dinner. I told her I would think about it. I texted my brother and was glad to hear he was going to swing by there as well. The next morning, I called her to let her know I would be joining her for dinner.
I was so nervous. I was scared that my heart would not be ready to forget. It is much stronger now, but was it that brave?
I watched the end of Season Six of Gilmore Girls for inspiration. I honestly couldn’t stand to sit waiting around my apartment, so I left early. The buses were timed perfectly, so I felt pretty lucky…the stars were aligned, this must be the right thing… (Though, I truly hate the 51 bus and I am glad I don’t have to deal with it ever.)
When I arrived at her apartment, I called her. The door to her building was open. I climbed the three flights of stairs to her apartment door. She was frazzled, but excited to see me. She held me for a long time. I held her too. I was expecting to cry, but I didn’t. She didn’t either, but she did smile a lot. I asked her to make some coffee and she did. I helped out a bit making food. We caught up on the past year and a half – school, moving, and Tim for me…knee surgery and unemployment for her.
She said she missed me. I wasn’t lying when I told her I had missed her too.
When I left a few hours later, I was still uneasy (and a little nauseous). But, I was glad I spent some time with her. We’ve texted a little bit since – which is also big. I do plan on seeing her again. I want to repair our relationship.
I am glad I can go into 2015 with a lighter load and a happier heart.