Anxiety. And Happiness.

Since I apparently really like stressing myself out…that starting graduate school and quitting one job just wasn’t enough…I decided to not renew my lease for my apartment and to continue job hunting in Pittsburgh.

These things are obviously the last things I need to be adding onto my plate. However I came to the realization that I am not happy

I am not happy and I need to change it.

My apartment is falling apart, stressing me out, and making me miserable. And it’s too small. I could honestly complain about that place for days on end. I used to want to work 50+ hour weeks at my job, but now, I leave early as often as I can. I don’t feel valuable or useful anymore. People have stopped talking to me and coming to me for help. Am I radiating some “Leave me alone” essence? I don’t think so…but now, I have begun just going about my work – no more, no less. I wanted to be a star here, but the sparkle fell short. I know it is partly me (focusing on other things) and partly the work environment. I enjoy working here a lot, but there are also a lot of things that I want to be doing with my life that I can’t get here. We host great events and numerous professionals in the city come through here everyday, but I don’t get to meet them or speak with them or network with them. There is more that could come from my employment here, but it isn’t. I feel trapped in a role that I never wanted to be in; something has changed. I am worried that my quality of work has declined or that my shine has dulled – that I’m becoming a disappointment.

I am still waiting for classes to start. I have a feeling that something is messed up, I just don’t know what. But, I guess we will wait and see. I have this fear that I’m going to show up to my first class and not know what is going on, a la Elle Woods and Harvard Day One. I just want a syllabus! I am also afraid that I will have forgotten how to write or create quality content or that I will be behind everyone else (because of work and not taking such specified classes in college).

Side note: I spilled coffee all over my desk a bit ago, so I am currently reworking the next 5 months of social media for the Club. Of course I had to use felt tip and ink pens, instead of just ballpoint….and I have to write everything out before creating it and loading it into our scheduler. #ugh

I’ll get through it all. I have no fear.

And if I’m still not happy – I’ll just find something else to do with myself! 

 

PS: Today was my last day at my part-time job. It was strange and exhilarating, but it became just another place I outgrew. They gave me a good two years and I will miss my friends a lot. I don’t see myself visiting all that often, which is very sad, but I’m not a “look back” kind of girl. I get up and go and I try not to ever stop.

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